You really loved him for the way he was always kissing you on your face, holding your hand when crossing a busy street, or shopping in a supermarket. A person who fundamentally likes and respects you is going to hear them and back way off. Well, thats it, isnt it? Try to find something low key that has a predictable, repeatable structure so you see some of the same people every time and can form connections naturally over time. He has literally never done this. A big factor in that was that I saw her problems as easy to fix by doing X where my own were much more complicated (in my mind). I would say the effect of increased exercise on my mental health is . God, Im such a pathetic LOSER! And cue the tears and stress eating and whatever other bad depression habits you thought youd gotten under control. You cant have all your food be treats otherwise youre not actually eating healthy food, but they are needed or you burn out and develop an eating disorder. It can help to be accountable, and say to someone else hey, Im having trouble doing this Thing, so can you help me by setting a time to do Thing together?, but only if this is a need *you* have identified, and its *your* solution that youre asking to put in place. There is something intimate about sweating next to your partner. Wow, boyfriend is definitely being the jerk here. My next question is maybe an obvious one, but what would happen if you didnt have a self-appointed expert on you and what you should be doing jump down your throat about all of your life choices or give you the silent treatment in your life at all? I also just wanted to reiterate, in case youre having difficulty with the argument but what if what hes doing helps me? He used to love to know everything about you from the way you think and what you like your time to how it went. Him: You havent been to the gym today! Some guys are just lazy, especially when it comes to relationships. *nodnod* Another script LW may want to try: How does this affect you? In the examples in the letter, the answer would probably be not at all which should make the boundary more clear. I am a very logically-minded person who has come to the conclusion that acting as though human beings are robots is a profoundly illogical thing to do. I found it odd at first that my marriage broke up after I got to feeling better through therapy (by my measure and my therapists.) It sounds like you two have a chance. That is how that behaviour makes me feel. Do you still respect each others autonomy and understand that help is there to be offered and accepted but cant be forced? Maybe the simplest (and best, to be completely honest with you about how Im feeling about this dude) answer is:You dont make each other happy anymore, and youd both be happier if you ended it and found someone more compatible. It can sometimes be really helpful to challenge yourself, whether thats to exercise more or read more or keep things cleaner around the house. It's concering to me that he never wants to do anything nice together or . "Boyfriend when i first met him was sweet and full of potential. Responding to your partner asking you to stop trying to control them by telling them that their opinion is stupid is pretty emotionally abusive. When men care about a woman, they want to look good and impress her. , Become a copyeditor, buy a classic motorcycle thats been garaged since Trudeau was PM . A few weeks ago I started to notice that, well, he kind of smelled bad. Look, Im sure there are people out there who respond to tough love or whatever bullshit he thinks he is doing, but frankly, Ive never met someone struggling with depression and low self-esteem who did. Taking emotions out of decision making is actually a highly irrational approach. A friend of mine called this sort of explanation, First, the earth cooled, Beware of I am very logical as a cover for I dont think your feelings matter and I dont care if I hurt you.. 1) It really doesnt appear to be helping you (being berated and controlled is bad for humans) Invoking logic by name in a discussion. Couldnt. Continuing to put in effort for someone who isnt putting any into you is only going to lead to more frustration and resentment neither of which will make either one of you happy or satisfied long term. And at one point ran into one of his grown kids from the first family on a boardwalk. Every single opportunity he gets, a controlling boyfriend will try to make you feel guilty for not toeing his line. I became severely physically disabled in my early twenties. For those of us with less than optimal upbringings theres this stinger waiting for us as adults. Maybe it is unfair, but my first reaction to the collection of things he wants LW to work on was Boyfriend is trying to sculpt a thinner partner.. You didnt give details, but you did say that for much of your life, youve struggled with being constantly undermined. Ok its possible I need a fix of both Buffy and chocolate chip cookies. The problem is that if you cannot afford to pay it yourself the vehicle will eventually be repossessed so it is just a matter . But if he does choose to be a relationship with you, he IS obligated not to be a condescending asshole about it. If hes not pulling his weight, then this is an attempt to manipulate you into doing all the work. Thank you for getting me out of the house!. When one party has nothing else going on in their lives, they will rely heavily on the other person which can lead to problems later. Treats are a vital part of a healthy diet. ! certainly did not help with my mood issues. If I tell him I already did, he tells me that walking doesnt count, that it needs to be more strenuous exercise. Third, I think some disaster preparedness is good self-care for you. Yeah, he sounds like a lot of bad voices like an A Capella Choir of Angst. I suppose you could try announcing that youre going to change him into someone who doesnt do things he has specifically and repeatedly been told to stop doing, in his intimate relationships, even if you have to drag him kicking and screaming into The Land Of Getting Hip, but honestly, that comment above is an infinitely bigger red flag than any number of questions about your broccoli intake. Relax. I hope you dont develop any new health problems, but Id personally worry about a partner who doesnt want to step up to helping you through the hard times. Can you sock some money away for a rainy day? And celebrate a little. Your Jerkbrain is telling you that youre never going to find someone else who will put up with you. And when I broke up with him that was what I told him. That makes me so angry on your behalf. LW, you describe your partner as angry, and the type of anger is such that you qualify it as he never lashes out. He may be feeling like he is missing out on his life and it is time to get back into the single life. When I look back, I wonder, why did I ever even get in his car without making him tell me a destination? Listen to Leah Robins and the Captain if he loves you, he will work with you, and you will be able to laugh together even during the darkest moments of your lives. I think a lot of it springs from an idea that partners make decisions together and tackle projects together, and theyve made the mistake of mis categorizing you as a project. I also expressed my fear that he was trying to fix my depression, because I suspect that depression is just part of my makeup, and however well I manage it, there are always going to be some low points. If I tell him I already did, he tells me that walking doesnt count, that it needs to be more strenuous exercise. A lot of times he may have hinted you before that there was something that bothered him. Ugh, logick-y dudes who want to tell you how to run your life. Your dreams for the future have taken a back seat. Does he want you to be happy and comfortable in your own body; or is he looking for A Girlfriend Who Matches The Public Beauty Ideal? That person is going to be psyched by evidence that you are capable and willing to chart your own course, and think, Hey, my partner must be feeling better, since they have their shit under control. Affection is not only limited to physical touch -- he may also avoid showing affection through words. Have you read about the accountant who had a brain tumor? And he does this because he realizes that accounting for the emotions of other sentient beings is logical! The Captain makes some excellent points and the writer would do well to consider them seriously. See if there are ways you can make some of the self-care you want her to do easier. Also, are his goals for you actually about you or are they all about him? Nevermind the fact that none of my friends were actually offended at all, he just couldnt admit that he had a problem with something I had said. No one can acknowledge it exists. Its more like, this day is shit, Im tired, but at least I will go do something in the gym later and that will be *different* than what I am doing right now. And with your wife, there may be things you can do that help, but they are probably concrete gestures. I have always had trouble wrapping my mind around the idea of not wanting to be comfortable. This is fine isnt good enough when it comes to relationships, IMO. Good job former-me! Also, as an ex-smoker, I agreed with you on the you cant change other people front. All the love and respect in the world, dear Terrible. I think you are going to be just fine and that you know what is best for you. Its not that simple, and boyfriend ought to stop acting like it is. 4. Beloved Human is very into self-improvement, and that has sometimes inflected the way he talks to me about it. His only motivation to change is to stop you. When you were sick, it was probably easy for him to get you to do what he wanted. 7 Strategies You Can Use To Make Him Fall In LoveEven If He Has Started To Pull Away! If you love someone, why are you punishing them? So in order to save your relationship, you need to find out what is going on and take corrective action if necessary. Yes, exactly. I love it, he doesnt. This does not sound like how you want to be loved, or being loved for who you are, but who someone thinks you should be. Life might be simpler for some of us if it were like that, but it isnt. Assuming that he doesn 't have a hormone issue, a man who is attracted to a woman will probably want to have sex. Is he making home-cooked, healthy meals? If you want to impress them you try to look decent, plan something that sounds fun, and offer to pay. Its something weve learned. You know when they got worse? If your guy used to care and suddenly cant be bothered, thats a red flag. He would say, We really need to work on your sense of adventure and getting you to be more open to new experiences. He always said we, as though this was a joint project. She will ask me to do things like remove sharp objects from her living space, check in to make sure shes eating, wake her up in the morning when shes unlikely to get up on her own, phone her psychiatrist to give info/updates about how shes doing, and so on. Youll be happier and lighter without the constant criticism and monitoring, and hell be happier with someone who has the qualities he wants in his new, improved partner (or hell find a willing victim for Coach Body Police: Infinity Annoying Steps To the New You!). (Female ones personally, I havent found this phenomenon to be in any way gendered. Part of the reason my boyfriend and I managed to get through it (and got through it with a stronger relationship than I have with my mother) is the lack of picking and nagging. Tell Him Why You Don't Like Her. What really helped was finding a partner with previous SI issues who said Do what you need to do to feel better. When I started college, and made other friends, and had a job of my own. Hell yes! You might think about trying an extended period of being away from each other, if such a thing is remotely possible. Id probably be a lot less functional had he pushed me. Demand constant direct Snaps, video calls, phone calls and dedicated videos. Telling me how logical he is. He wanted me to try a sip of his tea. When its not great, things like this are no longer handled delicately If hes yelling at you over small things, there is no way his head is still in it. Ive read a ton of stories from people who were pushed, and their health was badly hurt. I cringe whenever I think about how unfair and how disrespectful I was to him, and how much time we wasted together when we each could have been in other situations (partnered or not) that would have been more fulfilling. Not okay. It makes taking care of ourselves seem hard, even impossible on some days. 2. The boyfriend may well not be reasonable. Try and find the root cause of why your partner is taking it 2. Period. etc.). I was overwhelmed with adoration and new hope. Your boyfriend has not yet learned this truth, because he is hiding it. This was my first reaction, too. It sounds to me as if you have some clarity on what would be helpful to you. They are not partner micro-managing tools. short and sweet? You know that he is flirting with those other girls, even if you cant see him do it. Send any friend a story As a subscriber, you have 10 gift articles to give . He explains that his current girlfriend has a dog that she kept after she and her ex broke up. But I really appreciate CAs gentleness to LW about that. avert! He immediately misses you. When in reality there was an awful lot of family abandoning and not marrying your pregnant girlfriend going on in the past as well. Is Your Anxiety Sabotaging Your Relationship? Agreed. In leechspeak, logical and reasonable mean Whatever I want is logical and reasonable because I want it.. I dont think all relationships that arent in it for better or for worse and in sickness or in health are bad, but I do think that makes it a more casual relationship and one you shouldnt rely on. ! and but Ive been running for 40 minutes 3-5 times a week for months and I dont feel *any* better (in fact, in many ways I feel *worse*), what is WRONG with me? Maybe, if in addition to saying What youre doing isnt helping me, you say, this is what you can do to help, hell be more responsive. Yeah and also see direct quote/short version of him. He is sorry he didnt call, doesnt have time, or that you never see him anymore. Hi all, My boyfriend and I have been going out now little over 2yrs, we've had our ups and downs but through it all we've stuck together but the last few months he has focused all his attention and efforts into his car and job, and I've no problem with it as long as he can still make a bit time for me even if its jus a call in the eveing or a text like I fully support him with everything . Finally, I also worry a bit about something almost the opposite of not wanting to help you through hard times, which is not wanting you to get better. We sat side by side on the couch, and he told my therapist how much he loved me, how much he wanted to help me, and how much it hurt him to see me suffering. Nothing is more guaranteed to ensure recovery than someone making you promise that youll never cut/pick/pull again, then berating you and doing the whole sadface But you pwomised! act, and acting like youd just murdered a dozen puppies. 1. (Like money, work, how one treats others possessions, punctuality, use or misuse of power, objectively insulting words, etc.) Feeling upset with the situation that your partner is not healthy? LW that may sound really harsh about your boyfriend, but from where Im sitting it sounds like a very toxic place for you to be. Because my fianc and I worked things out and are in a good place now, I am hesitant to just say ~DTMF~, but your boyfriend needs to realize that monitoring someone elses habits (even your eating habits!) And throughout this time, avoid distractions such as social media. What were his biggest complaints about you during this time period where he stopped trying so hard anymore? Those ultra-logical people can sure be jerks, but theyre not the only ones. You are healing, why shouldnt your home and your relationship be a place you can feel comfortable? This isnt sustainable. When I have the house to myself for a few days, I like to use some of the time for cooking experiments. My therapist says (on a frequent basis, because Im still working on some of this): Should is a REALLY loaded word and occasionally Should is a really shitty word. Obviously YMMV, but Ive added that to my ever expanding list of red flags, right after people who proudly announce that they have no filter!! I grew up with people who were allergic to being encouraging. Then reluctantly, because I was learning my own tastes, and Im not fond of tea in any of its many flavors. Some guys bitch about paying for dates because of feminism (or whatever). Unfortunately, who he is now does XYZ, and is unlikely to stop, so theyre both unhappy. What Im getting at is its shitty when my father does this crap to me, its extra double wow shitty if your partner does that to you. Now I think to some extent I was partly in therapy to get ready to leave him. And holy crap, the Silent Treatment? And when he lost a bunch of weight as a side effect of a new medication, suddenly all of his insecurities about it were transferred to passive-aggressively fatshaming me. Sometimes a guy will stop making an effort because he feels insecure or dealing with issues in his personal, work, or family life. One of the signs your boyfriend has stopped making an effort is that your relationship has become one-sided, efforts are now one-sided. I can tilt my head to one side and see a boyfriend that this LW needs to dump *yesterday* because all hes doing is trying to build his ideal partner out of what he believes is some kind of nascent state that can go in any direction, like a bunch of stem cells. Keep my mouth shut about the chips? Up until that point, I was always going to fail because a part of me didnt really want to quit. I dont even support parents doing that with kids, where a certain degree of molding is part of the role. He says that he still loves me even if I dont do these things (but it doesnt feel that way to me). I personally believe strongly that relationships work best when your partner loves you and likes you as you are now, while also supporting you growing and changing to become the version of yourself you aspire to be. Weve been through some really hard times and some very good and stable times. You speak for me! Boyfriend stopped texting me good morning. He cooks and I cook but we never leave the house. It is possible that he can be moved out of the fixer mode, but, if he stays in fixer mode then nothing will ever be enough. When people get all up on how logical and not swayed by petty emotions they are, I always end up thinking about the narrator of Ancillary Justice an AI whos been programmed with emotions because they *allow her to make better decisions*. Even if he were good at this coaching thing (spoiler: hes not), he shouldnt be your coach. Boyfriend is still back in the pre-treatment you have no idea what youre doing because depression has fucked up your brain thing and is still in triage mode. Its amazing the first time you realize the difference between actual happiness and just being not-completely-miserable. He may have met someone new and is now taking her on dates, buying her gifts as well as making other gestures. LW, I agree with a lot of the commentators that this may be an irredeemable situation, but it may help to tell your boyfriend what he can do to help. It also sounds like massive hyperbole. Ugh, people who think their duty to hound you into achieving your potential is more important than your need to be listened to when you say you dont like that and they should stop! When I started to develop some self-confidence! Despite that, I managed to meet a kindred spirit. Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't want to match your effort. In my relationship Im on both sides of the caring/cared for spectrum: I have depression and my partner is physically disabled. That!! 2. There are the ones who will, when lovingly-but-firmly redirected, go and renovate the bathroom instead, and then there are the ones who wont. What can I do for them?, Im sad because the person I love is being sad at me, and it would be so much easier if they were happy. Accepting you means accepting that. Its ok to say hey, just keeping my head above water is all Im capable of at the moment, no challenges for me right now.. My mother used to literally scream at me if she saw my hand go anywhere near my head, my friends used to threaten to not speak to me if I cut myself, but no pressure! Why cant you choose your own challenges and adventures? This is sporadic enough that it hasnt become a sticking-point in our relationship (yet! And while many of the attributes of that you do coincide with the you you aspire to be, it isnt necessarily a great overlap. Neither one is going to work. #687: My boyfriend wont stop trying to fix me. It seems like work to go on about our day and converse about minutiae, but well do it because girls like that stuff. Make lifestyle changes to ensure you're getting enough sleep, eating healthy diet, and exercising regularly. Most guys will be nice to their friends girl, but usually not overly so. If she is similar, then making it easier to have the social thing happen and harder to get out of once agreed to may be helpful. I dont know if I would have reached the threshold for clinical depression since I never did the therapy thing, but my self care was pretty pathetic and I wasnt working or studying enough. I dont try to argue other people out of their feelings, because unless I develop telepathy (avert! 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