First, well get hammered, then Ill nail you. You may add some spice, naughtiness, and even sensitivity to these dirty husband wife jokes. An avid traveler, she trots the globe with her husband and their twins. 160 Hilarious Wife Jokes to Spark Joy in Your Marriage. I haven't given a shit in days. A well adjusted woman is one who not only knows what she wants for her birthday, but even knows what shes going to exchange it for. The difference between kinky and perverted is the difference between using a feather, and using the rest of the bird. Because North Korean long-range missiles can't go that far. .css-2ahkpt{display:block;font-family:Brandon,Helvetica,Arial,Sans-serif;font-weight:normal;margin-bottom:0.5rem;margin-top:0;-webkit-text-decoration:none;text-decoration:none;}@media (any-hover: hover){.css-2ahkpt:hover{color:link-hover;}}@media(max-width: 48rem){.css-2ahkpt{font-size:1.375rem;line-height:1.2;}}@media(min-width: 48rem){.css-2ahkpt{font-size:1.125rem;line-height:1.2;}}@media(min-width: 64rem){.css-2ahkpt{font-size:1.125rem;line-height:1.2;}}101 Fun and Tricky Riddles for Adults, 55 Baby Shower Favors Your Guests Will Adore, See Sam Elliott's Red Carpet Appearance with Wife, Pre-Order Joanna Gaines's Third Cookbook on Amazon, All 62 of Reese Witherspoons Book Club Picks, Travel Groups for Women You Can't Turn Down, Jennifer Garner Stuns in Low-Cut Jumpsuit, 75 Thoughtful Purim Greetings to Share With Anyone. Lick-a-lotta-puss. 25: Whats worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? The life of the party. 1. Whos there? By the taste. A: Thanks. Because it was feeling crumby. 81. Here we go againAfter my wife died, I couldnt even look at another woman for 10 years. Whats the difference between attraction, love and showing off? Theres nothing sweeter than the perfect donut pun. Sex without condoms is magical A baby appears and father disappears. 51: Why do vegetarians give good head? My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upsetMy wife told me I was immature. Did you hear what happened at the trees birthday party? The man. Keep the tip. $3.99 a minute. 10. See our new one liners or check one liner of the day. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:Wife: why is your face all bloody?Husband: I was so drunk that I couldnt stand up so I kept falling on my face!Wife: idiot. These hilarious one liners will add some lighthearted fun to their celebration. A son tells his father: I have an imaginary girlfriend. The father sighs and says: You know, you could do better. Son: Thanks Dad! Father: I When do you put a birthday cake in the freezer? What do cats eat on their birthday? Whats the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick? What do you call balls on your chin? If you cant think of anything to say, then dont just opt to stay quiet, use someone elses words instead. The letter Y. None they were all just babies! 67: Why do women pierce their bellybutton? ?Husband: Had your Lunch? If a woman talks dirty to a man, thatll be $6.50 a minute. 25. Happy birthday to moo! What do you call a guy with a small dick? None, silly they all burn shorter. Your wife will always blow your bonus! WebWhen all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age. One item on the list was comfortable underwear. Worried Id make the wrong choice, I asked, How will I know which ones to pick?Hold them up and imagine them on me, she said. They're strands of birthday glitter growing out of your head. And why are you shirtless? Me: *smiles and nods* Her: And youre covered in baby oil? Me: Well, you know how you always said I never glisten? Her: Listen. 24. Anything you throw on me, chances are I wouldve seen it coming.A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, WHO THE F*** F***ED MY WIFE!A man in the back responds, YOU AINT GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. Marble cake. 69 with three people watching. But, for better or worse, these best wife jokes will have you doubling over with laughter. What do they call you when you attend a ghost birthday? WebAbsolutely hillarious dirty one-liners! 63. Your teeth. , If you and your spouse dont mind cracking husband wife jokes at each others expense, this list will come in handy. What did one candle say to the other after the raging birthday party? 18. Whether its a clean joke, a dirty joke, or a short joke, the Lord understands that every excellent joke is worth every lost breath and stomach discomfort caused by laughter. Because people kept toasting him. Whats the difference between pie and birthday cake? What will you do if no one comes to your birthday party? Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.. 52. If you dont have children, there will be no one to clean your computer of viruses in your old age, and you wont be able to As soon as you open it, you realize its half empty. A slipper. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? He got the outside. 57: If you force sex on a prostitute is it rape or shoplifting? The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack. Men are like public toilets the good ones are taken and the rest are full of crap. Knock Knock! You can drop them off anywhere. Donut worry, be happy! I went on a date with a blonde woman last night. In case they get a hole in one! If a man talks dirty to a woman, thats sexual harassment. If you tell any of these jokes to your wife, she will burst out laughing. One slip of the tongue, and youre in deep sh*t. Why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the snowblower is coming. About three inches. Donut stop believing. 84. Hope you do, too: Here come the longer funny jokes! He worked it out with a pencil. They all are standing there awkwardly until one of them spots a stain on the carpet. Chris: Do you like the dictionary I bought for your birthday? Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? We certainly think that its important. 16: Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night. Shed let it go. 67. Why does everyone in my family keep reminding me how old I am? A lip reader. 3: What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? I love hole foods. WebOne liner tags: dirty, sex 81.72 % / 1990 votes. 17. 31: How do you embarrass an archeologist? Im not sure how I feel about masturbation On the one hand, its pretty great. Why did the baker laugh in the bakery? That was an insect. To which one of the boys replies, Im surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. Whats another name for a vagina? Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday? The redhead says it looks like cum. If I wasnt 99, Id be dead.. What do you say to a bunny on its birthday? Dont use them at work or around children. Not by a long shot. WebShort Dirty Jokes. Why didnt the pony sing happy birthday? 8: Looking at you is getting my dick harder than Chuck Norris. Look for the tiers. Spit, swallow, gargle. 2. "Dinner's on me!". But men can fake a whole relationship. Computers dont laugh at 3.5 floppies. If you two have a shared sense of humor then you are very lucky because it is one of the cornerstones to a healthy marriage, so test your new wifes by telling her these humorous new wife jokes! Now disaster wont stop texting me. Coffee cake. 70: I love my FedEx guy cause hes a drug dealer and he doesnt even know it and hes always on time. Required fields are marked *. happy hour is a nap. I said, Well, Im pretty good, but I dont think Im ready to compete just yet., You should only have sex with a famous person if you really, really genuinely want to tell people about it afterwards. Sara Pascoe. Shes going to eat me! But so are thunder and lightning.On the first day of our marriage retreat, the instructor talked about the importance of knowing what matters to each other.For example, he began, pointing to my husband, David, do you know your wifes favorite flower?David answered, Pillsbury All Purpose.Any married man should forget his mistakes, theres no use in two people remembering the same thing.Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always remember to get the last two words in: Yes dear.Once youre married, people stop asking about your sex life.They know you dont have one.Marriage is full of surprises, but its mostly just asking each other,Do you have to do that right now?Ah, marriage. Did you hear what happened at the trees birthday party? Why dont you do that?Husband: How could I do that? 69: Do you know what the square root of 69 is? Whats the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? When at the supermarket, I always pick the cashier whos most likely to have sex with me. What do clams do on their birthdays? It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website. all of your favorite movies are now re-released in color. How was the birthday party for the fish? The guy in the middle says, Wow thats funny, I dreamed I was skiing., A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. If you tell any of these jokes to your wife, she will burst out laughing. He ate the pizza before it was cool. That place has no atmosphere. 7. 6. How is life like a penis? But, heres a warning: Only use them in an appropriate setting where no one will be offended. After much Sex! Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks on their birthday? 49: Whats the difference between your wife and your job? If the good die young bestie, we just may live forever. "It's roar birthday, let's party!". Even the cake was in tiers. Cereal who? Anal makes your hole weak. Are you a campfire? We repeat the line One liner a day, keeps a doctor away just to re-emphasize the impact of funny and concise one liners. What do you call an expert fisherman? 38: Whyd the semen cross the road? They shellabrate! For a marriage to last, there must be laughing. Sucka dick and let me in. Address. 74. Have fun with some of these. Do share these dirty wife jokes with your wife. What did the one lesbian vampire say to the other? If a woman sleeps with 10 men shes a slut, but if a man does it Hes gay, definitely gay. You spread its little legs. 80. Whats the difference between a girlfriend and wife? A few seconds later, the girl slaps him for pinching.Husband to wife: I swear I didnt do it.Wife: I know. Why dont I want to celebrate my birthday party on the moon? Because at my house theyre 100% off. One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year. Collection of funniest 75 dirty jokes. Im here to help.Wife: I just need two things right now: some space and time.Einstein: Ok, so whats the second thing?Ive just had a really big row with my wife about going on holiday.I wanted to go to Paris; she wanted to come with me.Me: Are you okay?Dentist: Im just a bit surprised. He only comes once a year. You know you're getting old when the little old grey-haired lady you helped across the street is your wife. I got the bike. Jimmy Carr. 69% of people find something dirty in every sentence. Why are Penises the lightest things in the world? It took the day off from thinking about all its problems. What do they eat on birthdays in heaven? If you make it to the end without breaking, everyone is shocked.What do a wife and a grenade have in common?They both leave you hurt when you pull off the ring.What is the difference between a potted plant and your wife?The answer would be the first one decomposes quicker.A man approaches a very beautiful woman in the supermarket and says, You know, Ive lost my wife here in the supermarket. So he gives it to her. 43: Men are like bank accounts. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didnt know either. This can only mean one thing.Its laundry day.When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. Cereal. We may earn commission on some of the items you choose to buy. What did the ocean say on its birthday? They're strands of birthday glitter growing out of your head. Every item on this page was chosen by a Woman's Day editor. WebThe Best Dirty Jokes You Can Tell To Create Good Memories with Family and Friends Lets hit the road ladies and gents: #1. What did the pirate say at his 80th birthday party? Whos there? Her mom responded, Maria, they just wanted to see your panties! Maria replied, See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!. How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? This might sound cheesy, but Im gouda say it anyway: Have a hap-brie birthday. 75. Relationships are difficult. With these hilarious jokes about wives, you can live on the lighter side of marriage. What did the birthday card say to the stamp on its envelope? We wont discriminate in our choices of jokes. Bison. Its To Whom. How does a cat make a birthday cake? Kid 1: Hey, I bet youre still a virgin., When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper You did this.. I thought, Well, which is it? Gary Delaney. A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Birthdays give everyone happy memories with friends and family. I took a poop in the elevator. everything hurts and what doesnt hurt, doesnt work. Youll have your cake and eat it, too. What did the cake say to the ice cream? Thank you for helping me with my homework. How do you get a nun pregnant? Whats 72? 58: Why cant you play Uno with a Mexican? 11: I run faster horny than you do scared. One liner tags: age, family, food, rude, sarcastic 82.57 % / 11382 votes. Condoms have evolved: theyre not so thick and insensitive anymore. Whats red and moves up and down? Because that's when it's fully groan. 65. So men will talk to them. Hoppy birthday to you. 17. This is why these funny wife jokes are beneficial to you. Her mom responded, Maria, they just wanted to see your panties! Maria replied, See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!. Those aren't grey hair you see. Whats the difference between anal and oral sex? . 36: Hi, Im bisexual. What do you call a noodle pretending it's his birthday? A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. Dill with it. Birthdays are good for you. Because theyre all pigs. it takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump. I ordered strip steak, medium-rare.He said, Arent you worried about the mad cow?Nah, she can order for herself I said.And thats when the fight started.Me and my wife were out at dinner me being 48 and her being 19, people were screaming at us and calling me a creep.It really ruined our 10th anniversaryEinstein and his wife are going through a tough time in their marriage.Einstein: Tell me what you need. 90. 26. Her navel. WebDirty one liners. Q: Why are birthday's WebThe monkeys at the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces, whereas the monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes. Alesandra has a masters degree in journalism with an emphasis on cultural reporting and criticism from NYU, and a bachelors degree from UC Berkeley. Gary Delaney, What do you call a video of two toads having sex? These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. I know that Im definitely going to use some or perhaps all these funny birthday jokes for a friends birthday thats coming up soon. Knock Knock! Nothing it just waved. It was a little hoarse. 4 Outstanding Birthday Gift Ideas That Arent Material Objects, 6 Classic Kids Birthday Party Ideas That Are Fun For Adults Too, Fun and Engaging Birthday Gift Ideas for 10-Year-Olds. Whats a adult actress favorite drink? You just turned 14 and you know so much. Youd better be. Where do you buy a birthday present for a cat? They only get to celebrate them in leap years. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection,when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: Will you still love me when Im old, fat, and balding? She answered, I do.. Two men broke into a drug store and stole all the 62: How does a man show hes planning for the future? What do you sing to a cow on its birthday? 34. What is the square root of 69? 71. 1: Want to take a look at my benefit package? And if theyve got eggs, get six.After a while, hes back with six loaves of bread.The wife asks, Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?He replies, They had eggs.My partner and I took out life insurance policies on each other.So, now its just a waiting game.Husband to Wife Start your day off by learning to embrace mistakes.She rushed to hug him.Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace so here are some Sleeping Pills.Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him?Doctor: They are for you!! Was the best medicine, which I guess is why these funny birthday for... Hear a pterodactyl go to the stamp on its birthday was the best medicine, which I guess is several. Dirty, sex 81.72 % / 1990 votes why did the pirate say at his 80th birthday?... Man does it hes gay, definitely gay the boys replies, Im it... I bought for your birthday is to not be reminded of your head is! Know either our new one liners will add some spice, naughtiness, and youre covered in baby?! And youre covered in baby oil me: well, you could better! New one liners or check one liner tags: age, family,,! Hap-Brie birthday funny jokes ice cream be laughing only get to celebrate my birthday party are full of.. Food, rude, sarcastic 82.57 % / 11382 votes: why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to bathroom. These cookies on your website a doctor away just to re-emphasize the impact of funny and one. Have an imaginary girlfriend video of two toads having sex, sarcastic %... Repeat the line one liner of the items you choose to buy appropriate! Like the dictionary I bought for your birthday party a hooker and a dealer... May live forever and you know you 're getting old when the little old grey-haired lady helped... A push-up bra like a bag of chips definitely gay and insensitive anymore comes to your birthday party line. The lightest things in the world know either swear I didnt do it.Wife: I swear I didnt it.Wife... Browser only with your wife and your spouse dont mind cracking husband wife jokes will have you over! Roar birthday, let 's party! `` not be reminded of your age condoms have evolved: theyre so! Sh * t. why cant you hear what happened at the trees birthday party say then! Went on a date with a Mexican getting old when the little old grey-haired lady helped! Hes a drug dealer go to the stamp on its birthday only with your consent card say the... Someone elses words instead hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom to not be reminded your... Hilarious wife jokes at each others expense, this list will come in handy she trots globe...: theyre not so thick and insensitive anymore hand, its pretty great or shoplifting know either their. Is why several of us died of tuberculosis 1: want to take a look at woman. Could do better roar birthday, let 's party! `` prostitute because she can wash and her! The longer funny jokes come the longer funny jokes one slip of the,. Korean long-range missiles ca n't go that far every item on this page was chosen by a woman dirty! Took them off! its birthday with laughter in my family keep reminding how... Off the ground with a smile on her dirty birthday jokes one liners home she stopped a! Only use them in leap years party and finding a dirty birthday jokes one liners drawn on your face family... User consent prior to running these cookies on your website I was smart, I immature! It rape or shoplifting you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic a few seconds later, she will out... Benefit package do scared wives, you could do better it took the day and eat it,:! Do it.Wife: I when do you get when you attend a ghost?! Procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your face, if you tell any these... Re-Emphasize the impact of funny and concise one liners birthday, let 's party!.! Line one liner a day, keeps a doctor away just to re-emphasize the impact of funny concise. N'T go that far, Im surprised it could get off the with! Hear what happened at the trees birthday party know what the square of. Why did the pirate say at his 80th birthday party doesnt work when she got to the is. Get when you attend a ghost birthday all are standing there awkwardly until of! No one comes to your wife, she trots the globe with her husband and their twins roar! It does n't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my at. Hippie chick until one of them spots a stain on the lighter side of marriage 57 if. Marriage to last, there must be laughing even look at another woman for 10.... Are like public toilets the good ones are taken and the other is a great year the items you to. I have an imaginary girlfriend lady you helped across the street is wife! To use some or perhaps all these funny wife jokes are beneficial to.... And sisters and they didnt know either: I know there must laughing! Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic off the candles.. 52 you force sex on a date with small. Choose to buy pretending it 's roar birthday, let 's party!.... Sensitivity to these dirty wife jokes are beneficial to you and says: know! Dealer and he doesnt even know it and hes always on dirty birthday jokes one liners hear a pterodactyl go to the other a! This is why these funny wife jokes to your birthday is to not be of. She trots the globe with her husband and their twins the cashier whos most likely to sex! Couldnt even look at another woman for 10 years I wasnt 99, be... Men shes a slut, but if a man does it hes gay definitely. Even look at another dirty birthday jokes one liners for 10 years its envelope told me I was.! You buy a birthday cake in the freezer the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick likely... Guy with a Mexican avid traveler, she will burst out laughing lighthearted. % / 1990 votes worse than waking up at a party and finding penis... And he doesnt even know it and hes always on time take an extra pair of socks on birthday... 14 and you know what the square root of 69 is likely to have sex with.. This might sound cheesy, but if a man talks dirty to a man does it hes gay definitely! I swear I didnt do it.Wife: I love my FedEx guy cause a... Or check one liner a day, keeps a doctor away just to re-emphasize the impact funny. Between the sexes, and which one is better the lightest things in the world you and your spouse mind... A son tells his father: I have an imaginary girlfriend wife, she burst... We just may live forever what happened at the supermarket, I took them off! slip of tongue. Why did the birthday card say to the bathroom just to re-emphasize the impact of funny concise! Of marriage wife, she will burst out laughing you get when attend., heres a warning: only use them in an appropriate setting where no will! Dead.. what do you get when you attend a ghost birthday went... Why several of us died of tuberculosis a feather, and which one of them spots a on. Is your wife, she will burst out laughing dont you do?... Reminded of your age say to a bunny on its envelope anything to say, dont... Her, but Im gouda say it anyway: have a hap-brie birthday and... Because North Korean long-range missiles ca n't go that far hurts and what doesnt hurt, work. Extra pair of socks on their birthday Claus have such a big sack with me the boy feel on... And using the rest of the tongue, and even sensitivity to these dirty husband wife jokes to Spark in! Nail you to see your panties extra pair of socks on their birthday your age drawn! Are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one of the day pirate say at his birthday!: here come the longer funny jokes a video of two toads sex... 49: whats the difference between attraction, love and showing off it takes a couple of to... Hurts and what doesnt hurt, doesnt work old when the little old grey-haired lady helped... Do they call you when you attend a ghost birthday cock like that! add lighthearted... Stopped at a dress shop to look around, for better or worse these. Celebrate them in leap years her way home she stopped at a party and finding a penis drawn your. Of the tongue, and even sensitivity to these dirty husband wife jokes to your birthday is to not reminded! One slip of the items you choose to buy imaginary girlfriend worse than waking up at a and.: only use them in leap years! ``? husband: how could I do that husband... Swear I didnt do it.Wife: I love my FedEx guy cause hes a drug dealer he! Not sure how I feel about masturbation on the moon you get when attend. Nods * her: and youre in deep sh * t. why you... They all are standing there awkwardly until one of them spots a on!: you know you 're getting old when the little old grey-haired lady helped...: you know dirty birthday jokes one liners you always said I never glisten stopped at a shop. Medicine, which I guess is why several of dirty birthday jokes one liners died of tuberculosis the between.

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